15 November 2006

lonliNESS

I've been really lonely lately. Unfortunately i have always been one who needs people. I wish I could be independent and say I like going it alone but that's not me. I'm the youngest child and an attention-seeker. But because ramsey is gone all the time, I find myself looking for friends with books, the internet, and animal planet. I want them to love me back. I have so much love to give and ramsey is not here to receive it. I'm afraid to hold some of my guinea pigs because their nails are so sharp and ramsey never has time to hold them while I clip them. It's two man job really. But them being there helps a lot.

I was looking at myself at the gym, in the mirrors, and I finally thought to myself that I look skinny. I was listening to the carpenters earlier and I was thinking about karen carpenter and how she died at 32 all because she had a distorted view of herself. Obviously I'm not nearly as skinny as her, but i thought about my own distorted thinking. I'm 145 lbs and 5'9. that's not that bad. It could be worse. If I look to the side of myself at the width right under my breasts I feel like a skeleton. but then right where my belly button is duh duh duh. I look like an alcoholic with this pot belly I have going on. Really because my legs and arms are really skinny. It just looks weird to have this tummy. Tran used to joke around that I was pregnant. hahahaha. But seriously it does look weird. It was so easy to be 132 for my wedding because I ate grits for three months in Russia and walked 5 miles a day. I didn't even think about weight. It just kind of happened and poof. Even though I go to the gym everyday I'm at this plateau. It's taken me three months to get out of my 147-148 lbs zone. Finally I'm 145. So I think it will take me 3 more months of going to the gym everyday to get get to 142 lbs. How did I get from 154 lbs to 132 lbs in three months!!! I don't really have a need to walk miles a day like I did in Russia. Everything I need is down the street. I walk one block to get to the video store, two blocks to the grocery store, and across the street if I need anything at the mall, like ink refills or fix my glasses or something. I can't afford to get low fat this and low fat that so I just buy the regular stuff and make dinners. I don't think they're particularly fattening. I love playing sports, I wish winter wasn't coming because I just got a tennis partner. A 12 yr old girl. LOL. Whatever it works. But actually all and all, today I feel good about my weight. Mostly because even though I haven't lost much, I have gained A LOT of muscle. On my legs and my arms. So I guess it makes up for the pot belly I've got going on. But 140lbs by christmas please!!!!!

Today I feel like I need a spiritual revival. I've been so depressed and sad lately because Ramsey is never here, that I just think about all the things that are wrong in my life, specifically wrong with me. Mediocre in my talents etc.... but even though the scriptures bore me, i think i'll just feel better if i just open them up and read them. I think I read more conference talks than reading the scriptures. i need to work on that. I can't substitute conference talks for the scriptures. I'm jut going to read it even though I have it in my head that its boring. I think its all those years in seminary or sunday school that makes it seem so much like a chore. I think if I was a convert I would think it was new and exciting and be completely intrigued. I've decided to pray a lot too. And not just like certain expected times of the day. In fact I'm going to avoid those times of the day, so I gear myself to stop thinking in task/schedule format and say the same things. I need God in my life right now more than ever. Especially in my lonliness. I don't want to associate with people who make me feel bad about myself and make me lose the spirit. I thought before...oh culture...learning about different types of people and culture...but right now I don't think I can handle it. I have a few close friends, my visiting teacher, and my family, and that's all I need right now. I need people in my life who strengthen me because I feel so weak.

This picture makes me happy:
I love red pandas!!!!!! This is my new favorite animal, if I haven't told you already. I saw it at the Hogle zoo in September and it stole my heart forever.

1 comment:

  1. First of all, you are goregous! Second of all, I understand the need to have two people when you clip your pets nails...that's what it's like with Margaret, it's a two person job. I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I felt pretty lonely the summer after John and I got married. We were in Texas, away from family and friends, and it was too hot outside to go anywhere, plus John had the car most days. I remember getting excited when Oprah would come on because that meant John would be home soon. I wish I lived closer so we could hang out! You should come visit me sometime! We'd love to have you.

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