31 October 2008

F********ing dirt

God is so merciful to tortured souls. He will forgive us. Why are we so unwilling to begin the process! Sometimes it seems unfair to be stuck on this earth. I think our minds are slowly warped. Soon you can't see the beauty that is all around you. We can practically breathe in beauty everywhere and yet all our cells crave dirt. It's almost magnetic. How do you break a force that is so strong? No matter how many times I pray, I crave dirt and filth in my life. And why do I have this strange feeling that my cells are more unruly than most? How does a husband so beautiful, so wonderful, so amazing in every way possible want to be with someone like me? I've asked this to myself from day one. He sees something in me that I can't see. I have far too much dirt in my eyes. Forgive me while I wallow in my self pity. I feel so trapped. My cells still crave dirt even though I know better. How do I train my mind to be in prayer all day?

1 comment:

  1. I think that question is pretty much the reason we're born, live and die--we're figuring out how to live in prayer when naturally we want to live in dirt. It makes every little prayer that much more significant, I think.