Chinese barbies for my nieces
I've been in America since the 18th of January. I have a nice break for Chinese New Year courtesy of my university.
Days before arriving, I took my Chinese final and I took my results pretty hard. I got a 85% and the perfectionist in me was pretty disappointed in the score. I spent 7 hours studying for that test. It was a beast. It was 8 pages and included a 250 character composition. (Yes in Chinese characters-eek!). I just felt like I studied so hard and when I studied this hard in college I was always awarded with an A.
But the part that bugs me the most is that I'm getting so upset over a grade that is completely meaningless. It doesn't count for a degree. It's a Chinese course for goodness sakes. Why am I stressing about? Sometimes it feels so unfair that I'm in a class with a bunch of Japanese and Korean that can write these characters in their sleep. I clearly have an unfair advantage but my teacher doesn't seem to expect any less from me than the other students.
You know after a test, you sometimes have the sense of relief. Well I did for my midterm when I got the highest in the class with a 92%. But this time I was third and I guess my pride got in the way. While I was riding my scooter home from the final exam, tears slipped down my cheeks and I was embarrassed that I would actually be so upset about this. I want to know Chinese so badly and I want to be good at it. I want it so much it hurts sometimes.
Well now I'm in America. I was so excited to bring my nieces these beautiful Chinese barbies in traditional attire and tons of toys. I love seeing the joy in their little faces.
Right now I've been taking care of my nieces a lot. I babysit, read stories to them, clean, clean, clean!, make healthy meals for my dad, take the kids to school in the morning and accompany them to their classes.... Sometimes I don't feel like I have a break! But I love them and I love helping out my father. I would do anything for my father. I'm just sad that I'm not always there to do this for him.
This morning was a little rough. It's not easy waking up at 6:20 am and driving over to their house. But at least I get the appreciation from my father. Well this morning I had the hardest time waking up the 13 year old. She was very upset at me that I wouldn't give her 10 more minutes of sleep and later took it out on me by punching me really hard in the arm. Then the 6 year old didn't want anything to do with me and insisted that grandpa drive them to school in the new car. And of course the two year old wanted nothing to do with me. I basically felt like smuck. I basically went over there for nothing.
At first they were so happy to see me and then because I did so much babysitting I had to be a disciplinarian. When there are 6 screaming kids, you can't be their friend. They have to eat their food at the table, they need to make their beds, they need to brush their teeth and get ready for bed when I ask them the first time...of course I need enforce some time-outs when they are trying to claw each other or I need to give them a wap on the butt when they don't listen to me the fourth time I've said something. This is part of being a parent.( Something that I don't have any experience in.) I am the youngest child and this is all very new to me.
But anyone who knows me knows that I'm very sensitive and when you do so much for a child out of love and they treat you like they resent your existence, at least for my personality, I take it pretty hard.
It makes me think...do I really want this in life? Do I want to be resented in the many years of child raising? I suppose it's an idea I better just get used to but it still makes me hesitant.