I was looking at myself at the gym, in the mirrors, and I finally thought to myself that I look skinny. I was listening to the carpenters earlier and I was thinking about karen carpenter and how she died at 32 all because she had a distorted view of herself. Obviously I'm not nearly as skinny as her, but i thought about my own distorted thinking. I'm 145 lbs and 5'9. that's not that bad. It could be worse. If I look to the side of myself at the width right under my breasts I feel like a skeleton. but then right where my belly button is duh duh duh. I look like an alcoholic with this pot belly I have going on. Really because my legs and arms are really skinny. It just looks weird to have this tummy. Tran used to joke around that I was pregnant. hahahaha. But seriously it does look weird. It was so easy to be 132 for my wedding because I ate grits for three months in Russia and walked 5 miles a day. I didn't even think about weight. It just kind of happened and poof. Even though I go to the gym everyday I'm at this plateau. It's taken me three months to get out of my 147-148 lbs zone. Finally I'm 145. So I think it will take me 3 more months of going to the gym everyday to get get to 142 lbs. How did I get from 154 lbs to 132 lbs in three months!!! I don't really have a need to walk miles a day like I did in Russia. Everything I need is down the street. I walk one block to get to the video store, two blocks to the grocery store, and across the street if I need anything at the mall, like ink refills or fix my glasses or something. I can't afford to get low fat this and low fat that so I just buy the regular stuff and make dinners. I don't think they're particularly fattening. I love playing sports, I wish winter wasn't coming because I just got a tennis partner. A 12 yr old girl. LOL. Whatever it works. But actually all and all, today I feel good about my weight. Mostly because even though I haven't lost much, I have gained A LOT of muscle. On my legs and my arms. So I guess it makes up for the pot belly I've got going on. But 140lbs by christmas please!!!!!
Today I feel like I need a spiritual revival. I've been so depressed and sad lately because Ramsey is never here, that I just think about all the things that are wrong in my life, specifically wrong with me. Mediocre in my talents etc.... but even though the scriptures bore me, i think i'll just feel better if i just open them up and read them. I think I read more conference talks than reading the scriptures. i need to work on that. I can't substitute conference talks for the scriptures. I'm jut going to read it even though I have it in my head that its boring. I think its all those years in seminary or sunday school that makes it seem so much like a chore. I think if I was a convert I would think it was new and exciting and be completely intrigued. I've decided to pray a lot too. And not just like certain expected times of the day. In fact I'm going to avoid those times of the day, so I gear myself to stop thinking in task/schedule format and say the same things. I need God in my life right now more than ever. Especially in my lonliness. I don't want to associate with people who make me feel bad about myself and make me lose the spirit. I thought before...oh culture...learning about different types of people and culture...but right now I don't think I can handle it. I have a few close friends, my visiting teacher, and my family, and that's all I need right now. I need people in my life who strengthen me because I feel so weak.
This picture makes me happy:
I love red pandas!!!!!! This is my new favorite animal, if I haven't told you already. I saw it at the Hogle zoo in September and it stole my heart forever.
First of all, you are goregous! Second of all, I understand the need to have two people when you clip your pets nails...that's what it's like with Margaret, it's a two person job. I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I felt pretty lonely the summer after John and I got married. We were in Texas, away from family and friends, and it was too hot outside to go anywhere, plus John had the car most days. I remember getting excited when Oprah would come on because that meant John would be home soon. I wish I lived closer so we could hang out! You should come visit me sometime! We'd love to have you.
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